Fear of Recurrence. It never goes away. But it does get easier.

I just want to see my babies grow up.

When a ‘normal’ person has a headache or a funny twinge somewhere in their body, they ignore it. Or maybe take a paracetamol and think nothing more. For anyone who has had cancer, we automatically think “METS”.

You wouldn’t be human if you have had cancer but don’t have fear of recurrence. This disease has sentenced us to a lifetime of worry. Every little ache, pain, niggle, twinge, wobble, brain fart equals instant ‘metastasis’. No matter how rational we try and be. The first thought - for me anyway - whenever anything in my body doesn’t feel right, is ‘is it back’?

Being in treatment for cancer sucks. But one good thing is that you know you’re actively fighting disease. You’re getting rid of the beast.

Then you finish active treatment and you’re launched out into the world, completely broken … and left to pick yourself up and recreate some sort of new normality. It’s impossible not to be anxious about recurrence.

For me, my most important mission in life is to see my kids grow up. I don’t really care about anything else. The reality is my cancer may come back. Cancer is sneaky. It hides. It mutates. It resists the drugs. It pops up in funny places.

But I’m learning to accept the risk and the reality. And live peacefully alongside it.

So how have I come to terms with the fear of reccurence?

These two!

Firstly. Therapy.

I have had a lot of therapy time to help me process the fear of recurrence. it was a big stumbling block for me. I felt paralysed. Talking it out hasn’t got rid of it, but it has helped me accept it and live alongside it. It’s still there, but smaller. Less important. It’s not blocking my way any more. Which means I can move forward with more confidence. I’ve stopped thinking that every ‘thing’ I do might be the last. Which is an exhausting way to live! This Christmas was important. It was the first one in three years that I didn’t think was my last.

Secondly. Education.

I have done a lot of reading. I understand the type of cancer I had. (See, I automatically wrote it in the past tense!). The treatment I had. The success rates. The risks. I have chosen what feels to me the best ways to mitigate the risks. Through preventative exercise, nutrition, rest, reducing stress. I am a very compliant cancer patient. I take my prescribed hormone therapy drugs, even though I hate the side effects. And I balance the medical side with a holistic approach to remission that is right for me. I feel I’ve thrown everything I can at it. I hope it works!

Thirdly. Time.

It’s a cliche. But it’s true. Time heals.

This time last year, I had just finished all my treatment and was on a ‘this might be my last … ‘ mission. Which basically involved spending money on holidays. And in contrast, lying awake at night, worrying about how to protect the kids when - not even ‘if’ - my cancer comes back.

Now, I really don’t think about cancer that much. I mean, it crosses my mind every day. It’s a part of who I am now. But fear doesn’t occupy my mind all day, every day! Which was an exhausting way to exist. Now, I feel genuinely positive and excited about the future. I feel like I can make real plans. Rather than just thinking in the short term or planning for the worst.

I’m still hyper vigilant about aches and pains. Of course I am. But I’m a lot more rational about long term remission and what recurrence might mean. I’ve also curbed the expensive holiday habit, which is a very good sign I’m planning to be around for a while!