Why me? Managing the mental battle and guilt.

Time in nature, time to reflect on what’s important.

It is impossible to be diagnosed with cancer and not ask yourself ‘why me’? Here’s how I dealt with self blame.

Initially I was scared. And then angry. And then I started to question myself and my past behaviours. Why had I got cancer? Why now? We were literally on the verge of living our dream. The kids were getting a bit older and easier. The never ending house building project was finished. Money worries were more under control. Covid was over. It was time to relax into just being and enjoying what we’d worked so hard to create. It all felt so unjust.

Was it because of 4 rounds of IVF?
Because I’d taken the pill for 10 years?
Because of the HRT I’d just started?

Then I started to question my lifestyle.

15 years of partying through university and into my early 30s?
The glass of wine I’d had most evenings?
Periods of intense stress? Family deaths. Divorce. Super stressful jobs.

My personality?
I have a tendancy to put pressure on myself. I’m not very good at relaxing. I’m not the greatest sleeper.

My diet?
Too much sugar. Too much processed food. Too few green things.

Pollution?
We live in a very beautiful, but sadly polluted place.

Initially I did my own head in. Then, when I realised my mind was whirring all too often in the past and keeping me awake at night, I forced myself to stop overthinking and to look forward.

The bottom line is no-one knows and there is no definite answer to any of the ‘why’ questions. And at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter why I got cancer. It’s what I do about it now that matters most. Blame and especially self blame is so destructive.

So, I have made the conscious decision to turn it around and make it a positive. Many things in life are out of our control but I’ve really tried to use my illness as an opportunity to audit my life and weed out the rubbish. The changes I’ve made are my own choices, and everyone is completely different as to what they feel they want to improve after cancer.

But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and that this is my opportunity to improve my lifestyle, my relationships, my stress levels, and my priorities. There is nothing quite like a life threatening illness to make you realise what’s important to you!

If you’re struggling to work out what’s important to you and how to prioritise differently, I can help. Drop me a line!