Who am I after cancer? It’s taking me a long time to figure it out.

Like everything after cancer, it takes time. It’s not possible to go back.

Who am I after cancer?

My life is clearly divided into pre cancer and post cancer. I look back on photos from my ‘past’ life and it’s hard to believe that was even me.

Logically, I know that life moves on for everyone. Times change. Stuff happens to us all that forms us, allows us to grow, develop, become better humans. Cancer or no cancer.

We all have to go through this process.

But for cancer patients, its different. It’s accelerated. It’s extreme.

And I can’t help hankering after the old me. Just sometimes.

Sometimes the contrast is intense.

I have aged. My body is no longer the same. I no longer have breasts, ovaries, hormones or long blonde hair.

I’m happy with how I am. I am so goddam proud of who I am. But I am also still coming to terms with the changes. It’s a process.

It’s very hard not to compare new me to old me.

I know all cancer patients go through similar.

For me, I know it’s shallow stuff in the grand scheme of life. I’m alive. I’m healthy. My life is amazing. I’m eternally grateful.

But I care that I no longer perform in sports the way I used to. I care that I don’t look girlie and have long flicky hair any more. I don’t care that I don’t have boobs - I never liked them - but I care so much that I have lost my femininity.

And then other days I don’t. I’m so proud of myself. Proud of my new self confidence and how few fucks I give. Who cares about sport and hair and feeling girlie?

The most important things are that my family and I are all healthy and happy.

It’s a funny rollercoaster.

This summer it will be 2 years since I finished chemo. It’s hard to believe. Those memories are etched on my brain forever. But yet they’re also a blur in the past. Sometimes it’s as if it all happened to someone else.

Finding out my friend has now been diagnosed stage 4 is hard. It’s made me reflect on how lucky I am. And how fragile life is. I am doing all the good stuff to prevent recurrence. But so was she.

So I’m trying extra hard to be grateful for everything I have. And not care about the stuff that really, really doesn’t matter.

But it’s hard to find the balance.

Unfortunately, cancer never quite goes away, does it?!

In a past life! Big breasts, big belly. It’s hard to believe this was me 6 years ago.