Menopause and me. There are some positives too!

Ageing disgracefully!

When I started chemo, I was plunged into chemical menopause. Here’s how it’s treated me. Menopause gets a lot of bad press, but it turns out there are some good things too!

Pre cancer, I was a 46 year old mum of 3 year old twins. Life was hectic, full on, non-stop. A relentless and exhausting cycle of toddler twin stuff. I was peri-menopausal and suffering. I was also, unknowingly, carrying agressive cancer around with me.

Chemotherapy puts most women into chemical menopause. As my doctor warned me, at my age, it was likely be permanent. It’s a weird feeling knowing that your period is your last ever one. I felt strangely sad.

I had literally just started HRT a few months before being diagnosed with cancer. I’d been experiencing worse and worse menstrual related symptoms, including crazy pains, wild rages, shorter and shorter cycles, insomnia and the most difficult for me - insane night sweats. I was exhausted. Looking back, I think some of those symptoms were actually cancer, but I didn’t realise that at the time.

I immediately had to stop the HRT as my cancer is 100% hormone driven.

Chemo then plunged me into menopause within a couple of weeks.

I went through the first wave of menopause at the same time as doing hard core chemo. Possibly a blessing in disguise. I was so floored by chemo side effects, I barely noticed the menopause ones! Weirdly, my worst peri menopause symptom, the night sweats, pretty much disappeared.

Post cancer treatment, I then chose to have my ovaries removed, for preventative reasons. This, and the hormone therapy I take, Anastrozole, ensures that I am forever in ‘extreme’ menopause.

Chemical menopause! Bring it on.

Everyone’s different. But here are MY symptoms.

The negatives:

Joint pain: This is the thing that bothers me the most. It’s a side effect of menopause, exacerbated by the hormone therapy drugs I take, which make it more extreme. I feel like an old lady every morning. If I sit too long, I can barely walk - until I get my joints warmed up again. I am learning to manage this as I have been forced to accept that it will probably be with me for the rest of my life.

Osteoporosis: Another fun, permanent, side effect. Bone loss is a normal result of ageing but menopause and hormone therapy accelerate the process. I already have osteoporosis in my spine and osteopenia in my femur. So I lift weights, make sure I do impact sports like running and hiking to stimulate bone density, and I do balance exercises daily to reduce my chances of falling. My perception of risk has changed. I’m not about to start a new sport like ice skating or mountain biking where I’m likely to fall and break something. Until my next bone scan, I am doing my best and crossing my fingers!

Libido: My sex drive fell off a cliff with cancer treatment. It’s a sad reality that affects so many of us, but that’s a whole other blog post. I haven’t found a solution yet; I’m working on it.

The positives

Hot flushes: I’m very happy to report that hot flushes don’t last forever. For the first 6 months of Anastrozole, I would alternate between being freezing cold and melting hot all day long. The flushes would descend from no-where and take over my whole body. Then disappear as quickly as they come. For me, stress and alcohol are definite triggers. So I’m doing my best to avoid them. Now, a year later, I’m through the other side. I maybe have one hot flush a day. I barely notice.

Night sweats: I still sweat at night sometimes. But NOTHING like I used to. It doesn’t wake me up five times a night any more. I don’t soak the sheets or the pillow like I did pre-cancer and pre-menopause. I don’t smell like a wet dog all the time. I actually sleep through the night more than 50% of the time. I am so happy to be through this. I also have magic wicking pyjamas that mean when I do sweat, they dry almost instantly and I don’t wake up drenched and freezing. Game changer.

Insomnia: See above. My sleep deprivation was wild before cancer. I have never been so tired in my life. Even chemo fatigue wasn’t as bad as the total exhaustion I had before I was diagnosed with cancer. Nowadays, I sleep much better. Sometimes I have a phase of bad sleeps, but I have come to accept that it’s ok if I have a bad night. I will still function and I’ll probably sleep well the following night. For me, solving insomnia has been a combination of things. Consistent better sleep hygiene. I rarely drink. The kids are older and less likely to wake me up. I have less sleep anxiety. I’m less stressed. I eat better. I have accepted that I don’t always sleep well. Who knows. Who cares. I’m just so happy to be able to sleep again. I feel so much better.

Mood: I used to be a hormonal lunatic. My poor husband took the brunt of it. Wild mood swings, PMDD, crazy rages. Each month I became an unrecognisable screaming banshee. It was impossible to control. I hated it. I didn’t feel like myself. Each month, I would only have 3 or 4 days when I felt ‘normal’. That has all gone. I am now so stable, so rational and so reasonable, it’s almost boring! But I’ll take that any day over where I was before. Menopause makes me feel like I’ve been freed from the hormonal rollercoaster. It’s liberating. I trust my own mind and judgement again.

Weight gain: I’m putting this in the positive category as I have managed to not gain weight. But I easily could. I’ve always been slim and athletic but I’ve noticed that post menopause, I put on weight much more easily than before. So, in order to maintain it, I now eat more healthily and more mindfully. It’s forced me to not take my body composition for granted and to maintain good eating habits. That can only be a good thing.

Strength: In the same theme, menopause has made me focus on what’s important to me physically, long term. I don’t want to turn into a little old lady because I neglected to act now. I want to be able to keep up with my kids and still do cool stuff with them as they get older. I want to be a skiing granny. A rock climbing octogenarian. A crazy, surfing old lady. So I am way more focused on strength work. As a reluctant weights lover, I am now embracing lifting heavy. I have discovered that it makes me feel so good. I’m feeling stronger and more robust than I ever have.

Zero f*cks: Partly this is the experience of having had cancer and staring down the barrel of the gun. But it’s also being menopausal. I am now so much more comfortable in my own skin. I don’t care what other people think. If I want something, I’ll ask for it. I really don’t care if someone stares at my flat chest. I go out without make up and messy hair. I am me. I’m proud of her. I have been through a lot and come out on top. Menopause has given me a new confidence and sense of self.