Losing my femininity. A cancer side effect I wasn’t expecting.

Pre cancer, my long, blonde hair was a huge part of my identity

I have never been a girlie girl. I’m sporty and outdoorsy. A tomboy (are we allowed to use that term these days?). But I didn’t take into consideration the cancer cost of losing my femininity.

It’s been hard.

And it’s taken me by surprise.

In my lifetime, I have gone through every hairstyle under the sun. But for the majority of my adult life, I’ve had long, blonde hair. It was my signature thing. It made me feel feminine. It ‘made up for’ the fact that I live in sports kit and spend most of my life slightly sweaty, grubby and running up and down mountains. Which, let’s face it, aren’t typically female pursuits.

Sporty and sweaty but I felt very feminine

I’ve never worn lots of make up or done my nails. Or worn dresses or skirts. But I always felt very feminine, partly because I had long hair.

But it’s not just about the hair.

So what’s changed since cancer?

I don’t think it’s about my breasts. I’ve never had much of a relationship with my boobs. When I was younger, yes. I would dress to show them off. I grew up in the 90s, after all. But in my 30s, as I got fitter, they got smaller. And frankly, became a bit inconvenient. They got in the way of running. My menstrual cycles were chaotic for most of my life and I really suffered with tender breasts. ‘Tender’ being a major understatement.

Some days, I couldn’t even bear to have shower water hit them. I couldn’t lie on my front. I couldn’t wear a bra. I couldn’t not wear a bra. Some weeks, it was seriously uncomfortable. And after breast feeding, they shrunk and sunk to practically nothing. Less than an A cup.

When I discovered I had breast cancer, I couldn’t wait to cut them off.

I honestly don’t miss them.

But I do miss feeling feminine.

Post cancer, it’s been hard to find my new, female self.

I went through chemo, lost my hair, chose to have my ovaries removed preventatively. And now, I take hormone therapy. Or anti hormone therapy. It’s designed to reduce oestrogen down to zero, since that’s what my cancer feeds on. As my oncologist explained, this is probably the most important part of treatment. Removing the fuel will help prevent my cancer coming back.

But it’s left me a bit lost as to my female identity. I have no boobs, short hair (which I don’t love), no ovaries, no oestrogen. I joke that I’m half way through a gender realignment process. I mean it in gest. But it’s kind of true. I have no sex hormones. I have no ovaries. I’ve had my breasts amputated. I’m prematurely menopausal.

It’s hard to feel feminine.

So what am I doing about it?

It’s a work in progress. I don’t have a definitive answer. I’m still understanding what it means for me and how my future self will reclaim her female identity.

But I just wanted to share my experience as it’s a long term side effect that took me by surprise. And I know I’m not alone.

I know my hair will grow. I think that will help, for me. I know there are underwear companies who make pretty bras specifically for flat women. But that’s not really my style. For the moment, I’m sitting with it and letting the process evolve.

It’s harder in the winter, I think. Everyone is all bundled up. But for this summer, I am planning to embrace more colours, make an effort to wear dresses and think about what I’m putting on and how it looks. Not just pick up the leggings and a top, mum uniform, that I left on the floor the day before!

Or maybe I’ll get inspired and invent a whole new, funky style for myself.

I’ll keep you posted!

And, in the meantime, if you’ve got any tips, please let me know! I’ll swap you for fitness ideas :)