How cancer has changed my reason to exercise.

My reason to exercise has totally changed since cancer.

I have pretty much always exercised. It’s not new to me. But my reason why has changed completely since cancer. Here’s how. And what I’ve learnt.

I’m not sure how or why as my parents were very sedentary, but I was the sporty one at school. As a student, I mainly drank a lot but I also still went running - often to clear my hangovers and also to stop weight gain from all the booze.

Then in my 20s, I moved to the mountains and fell in love. I discovered trail running, road biking, ski touring and climbing. And that was it. I bought into a new lifestyle 100%. I’m still here, 25 years later. Through my 30s, sport became my entire life. I was living my dream - competing, travelling, working hard and playing harder.

Performance was my everything. I wanted to be faster. To go further. I was always in competition with myself to beat my previous times or increase my distance. I wanted to ski steeper, climb harder, win at events. I thrived on it. Type A, through and through!

Becoming a mum changed my perception, but, if I’m honest, I was still on a mission. I wanted to prove to myself that I could still do it. That motherhood wouldn’t change my body or my fitness or hold me back. I continued to set myself sport related goals, albeit smaller ones.

Some of my wonderful, lunatic friends, who love to do the same things as me.

And it wasn’t just me. I have the most wonderful group of equally bonkers friends. Our whole social life revolves around exercise. We don’t meet for a coffee and chat, we ride our bikes and chat. We catch up at the climbing wall, not the bar. We don’t go on holiday to lie by the pool. We go away for long weekends of riding 100s of kms over big mountain passes. Or spending 8 hours a day hanging off cliffs.

My friends and I think nothing of challenging each other to swim in a frozen lake. We enter endurance running events as a team. Even in our 40s, we still race each other up mountain roads on our bikes.

For many people, that’s weird, but for us, it’s normal. Fun! Our escape from mumming, life, being grown ups.

Cancer struck when I was 46. When our twins were just 3 and a half.

It changed my everything.

Learning to accept that my fitness and body have changed, has been an enormous process. I know I’m lucky to be alive, and luckier still to have come out of all the treatment with few long term side effects. But it’s still probably one of the most difficult lessons cancer has dealt. I’m no longer the same person. My body is no longer the same. I can no longer perform at the same level as before. I probably never will.

Climbing for pure enjoyment, rather than to achieve a goal.

I’m learning to accept it and not fight.

But I’ve lost a huge part of my identity, my purpose and my self worth.

For a long time, I wasn’t sure who I was. Who I wanted to be.

I’m discovering the new me, slowly.

I think I like her. I’m proud of her.

And I have a new reason to exercise.

My priority has changed completely. Now, exercise is all about longevity. Staying healthy. Preventing cancer coming back. Being strong. Not performance. My body has probably aged 20 years in the last 2, thanks to chemo and hormone therapy. So my new mission is all about preserving my fitness and strength for the future. Staying injury free. Staying pain free.

I want to be able to do cool, active stuff with my kids as they grow up.

I don’t just want to be alive to see my kids grow up, I want to be able to do cool stuff with them. And to me that means travelling, adventures, climbing mountains, jumping into lakes, surfing waves, riding mountain bikes. One day, I really want to be a skiing granny!

So, what does that mean?

I no longer need to break myself with a punishing endurance training plan. I need to do a lot more strength work. A lot less speed. I have accepted that, at nearly 50 years old, I’m not going to be winning races any more. But that if I keep at it, I should still be keeping up with my kids in 10 years time. I really hope I’m still climbing and skiing with my mates in my 60s. I need to stay flexible and keep my muscle mass if I want to do that. And my dream is that I’m still riding my bike, running up stairs and trying to surf in my 70s. I need to work on my core, my balance and my power if I want to do that. I need to stay injury free. I need to manage pain.

Watch this space.

So now, instead of running myself into the ground and beasting myself at every opportunity, I’ve toned it down completely. I mix it up a lot more. You’ll often find me in the gym. Lifting weights. Or at the climbing wall. Or on my bike. Or swimming laps. Or out for a walk. Or on my yoga mat.

My new goal is to move every day. But to do it with longevity and pleasure in mind. Not performance.

I’m enjoying the process.

I think my friends and family are too. I’m a lot more relaxed about exercise. I’m also enjoying it much more now the pressure’s off. Funnily enough, in spite of changing the focus, I don’t think I’ve lost that much fitness. On the odd occasion I’ve decided to put my foot down, it turns out I can still hold a pace.

It’s nice to know I’ve still got it. For an old bird!

Racing is just for fun these days! But it’s also nice to know I’ve still got it :)