2 years ago, I was in the middle of chemo. Who am I now?

Forever etched on my memory. But also a lifetime ago.

It’s hard to believe that this time two years ago, I had just lost all my hair and was in the thick of hard core chemo. At the time, I was in war mode. Survival! Juggling treatment, kids, fear.

Getting through the days, trying to be ‘normal’.

I coped really well.

I am really proud of myself.

But looking back now, I can see how hard it was. How exhausted I was. How shit I felt. Even though I pretended i was ok. I can see how scared I was, even though I tried to suppress it.

A year later, I had finished chemo. I had done radiotherapy. And I was a few weeks out of surgery to remove my ovaries. I was 4 months into hormone therapy and starting to feel the side effects.

But I was so desperate to get back to ‘me’. To reclaim my body and my fitness. To move forward and leave it all behind. I was completely unrealistic about my recovery.

At this point a year ago, I was training for an Olympic triathlon, a 10km running race and a trail marathon.

All in one summer. As you do. Less than a year after chemo…

I’m happy to have podium-ed in two of those events. But I should have known better. I broke myself. It was far too soon and I was far too fragile. I then spent 6 months hobbling about, trying to fix my feet, unable to run.

So here I am, 2 years since chemo. Wiser. Calmer. I have done a lot of talking therapy. And a lot of physio. I have retrained and launched a new business. I am working hard on balance, lowering stress and staying true to myself and what I really want.

I’ve realised it’s really easy to get sucked back into the craziness and busy-ness of life. I’m trying not to let that happen. It’s not what I want going forwards.

I have come to terms with, and embraced, the idea that I will never go back to the girl I was before. I don’t want to!

I am learning to manage the hormone therapy side effects and accept that my body and fitness will never be the same as they were.

But I’m ok with that. I’m nearly 50. I don’t need to be performing at my best any more. I just want to be having fun and future proofing myself as best I can, as I get older.

I’ve only entered two triathlons this summer.

And a little bike race.

Just for fun!

And who am I now? I’m still figuring it out.